Wednesday, December 23, 2009

"all i could do is cry"

"All i could do was cry, all i could do Was cry. I was losing the man that i love and all i could do was cry"-Etta James.
...damn, i hate to say it but sometimes old feelings comeback. its hard for me to fall OUT of love with someone, but im just taking it one day at a time. its like every time i fall in love the wall i put up gets tougher, and my heart gets more and more tender. now ive been in love ONCE before and well it took me 6months to get over him, move on, and finally fall in love again. we shall call my first love "Marc". Marc was THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY, lol. he was perfect, we were perfect. i didnt want to let him go, i really thought me and was "meant to be" but now were Strangers...
...the second time i fell in love it was different than before , i fell fast. i dont know what it was about this guy that made my heart race and brought my guard down. he made me laugh, he made me feel special, and i never grew tired of his love and affection. i couldnt believe i was falling for him, when i did, and how i did. he was my angel, i THOUGHT he could do no wrong ...how wrong was i...we went months with nothing but breakups and makeups. it was no "inbetween" with us... when we were good, God were WE GOOD. and lord knows when we were bad. we were at our worse... but it seemed to always be the same, we would always get back together. i never betrayed him, i was truly his... sometimes i would cry myself to sleep thinking about how much i loved him. i knew he was out there "doing him" but i also KNEW he was always going to come back to me. i put up with the girls on the side, the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse. i did it all because i loved him. i wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. i put my pride, even my family aside for him. i just wanted HIM. i was crazy... CRAZY IN LOVE. he was truly my drug, and i was a junkie. i felt like i needed him. i prayed to god sometimes that he felt like that too, but deep down i knew he didnt. his mouth was telling me one thing, but his actions was saying another. i wanted a COMMITTED relationship... and he wanted to be a "teenager for life". i think the turning point of our relationship was his 1st real side girlfriend. i hated the fact he had another bitch thinking that was hers, when he was really fucking me. i didnt hate her though, because i knew she was just some stupid ass bitch who was just there for a couple of weeks then it was back to me ...and i was. after her our relationship was better than it was in a long time, it felt like the "hunny moon stage" you know when you just get with someone... a couple months past and we fell out once again, but worse than ever before... so here comes this new girl, and of course he was still around, as i thought nothing of her. i just knew it wasnt going to last, but boy was i wrong... this bitch really got under my skin, she got me TIGHT. here comes this girl, less attractive than me, with no kind of sense of style belonging to what once was mine, and what i felt still was. when i tell you its nothing like seeing the person your in love with fall for someone else.... its nothing like it!! i didnt know what to do with myself. i turned to parties, boys, and alcohol ...when all along i should have turned to GOD. i couldnt do anything, for the first time in my life, i felt helpless. i thought we could make it through anything. i cried every night... i cried myself to sleep. i refused to let others see me like this. i felt ashamed. i thought how could he move on?? what did she have?? ...i took me a while to realize it wasnt me, or anything i did. i guess we out grew each other. i knew it, and he knew it. i just wasnt ready to see it. what most people dont realize is that, he wasnt just my love, but my BESTFRIEND. i felt like i lost my bestfriend. they say you can get over losing a lover, but can you really get over your BESTFRIEND?? im not saying i want him back, because logically, it wouldnt happen. but im saying i have come to terms that i may never stop loving him, and its ok... but i can move on, and move forward with my life. i didnt miss out on HIM, he missed out on ME. everytime i hear exfactor by Lauryn Hill, he runs across my mind, i feel like that explained what we HAD ...but now I KNOW BETTER, SO I DO BETTER. i dont hold any grudges, or any hard feelings... i just let go and let GOD, but felt like i needed to write this in order to get some thoughts off my chest. i also wanted to let everyone see that i wasnt a quitter when it comes to love, im a fighter, just this time i didnt see anything worth fighting for... i couldnt be with someone i treated better than myself. so i asked(prayed) God to help me through it all, and i re-evaluated myself and took my self-esteem to a whole new high. i came to the conclusion that I WILL BE FIRST, because thats what WE ALL deserve.

...now i will leave you all with a video from Beyonce and a song from ms. Etta James






1 comment:

AndreeMarie said...

lovely truthful words. xxx

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